SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
