Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
even my farts smell like vagina
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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