i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
