party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
