and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
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Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.