i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
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im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
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Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.