When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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