i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
