Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
