we have pet lesbian snakes
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
