remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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