my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
