Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
