ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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