I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just invented taco cereal.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
we should paint friendship bongs
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