A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
