the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
