If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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