4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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