I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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