so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
