I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
