I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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