she woke up with a sticky ear
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
