How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
