you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
