im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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