He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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