Whatcha textin bout Willis?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize
