i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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