If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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