I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
