I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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