just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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