Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
