Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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