Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
