Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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