You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
