He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
