Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
