Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
