"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
