I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Also, beer. Big fan.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
