I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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