booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
