Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
