Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
