We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
