Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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