like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
