I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
