Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
