i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
