seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
