Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
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I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
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I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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