Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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